logicallummox blogging at elowel.org
So... don't do this as must, eh? It has kinda lost its appeal... plus, it's kinda hard to do anything else when you're in college sometimes.

To sum up some major points in my life that I have not mentioned... My mom and brother made up when he came out here for Xmas. My grandma died (my dad's mom) on Xmas Eve. I got three A's and a B (in Anthropology!) last semester, which makes my GPA 3.75 and puts me on the Dean's List of the College of Fine Arts. I am now currently taking three classes on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, none on Tuesdays or Thursdays. I'm taking Public Speaking... grrr. Oh!... I got a house to move into. Wit Jamee, Amber, and Dee, who works with Jamee at the nursing home. I have decided that until I get a job, my grant money will help pay my share of the rent and stuff. We got this house about two blocks away from Jamee. My nana has a stalker that owns a bunch of houses, so he bumped the rent down just a bit for us. We get to move in on March 1, if no one else wants it at regular price by February fifteenth. My nana and my mom are going to Vegas to visit on the fifteenth and I can not fuckin' wait to get the house all to myself again! And uh... that pretty much sums it all up.

Interesting, eh? For me, it is rather amazing.

I just need to find a job and I think I can truly be proud of myself then. I really do feel like I've accomplished a lot in a short amount of time.

Which is crazy. It doesn't seem like me. To me at least.

Well, I suppose I could leave you all with my accomplishments because I don't have too much to say.

Farewell, folks.

It was nice of me not to bitch this time, huh?

I hadn't intended on coming here, but I can't sleep and am not in the mood for any exploration of my ficticious mind. If I even still have one. Seems like it's been forever since I wrote something I wasn't gonna get graded for, but I know I'm prolly exaggerating.

I guess I've had a pretty nice winter break. Good Christmas. So-so New Year's. As I approach the end of it though I'm getting more and more lazy and more and more restless. Feeling retarded for some reason. Perhaps it could be cuz the clock is ticking on my living situation and I'm still exactly where I was when this problem was first brought to my attention. Every little hope I have of solving this problem is always taken away as quickly as it comes. Every job opportunity I feel just might work out never does. I'm so sick of job applications I don't know what to do. So sick of everyone around me having a paycheck I don't know what to do. So sick of everyone around me having a boyfriend, or whining cuz they haven't had sex, or being around while they talk to would-be fuck buddies I don't know what to do.

Maybe that's why I came on here. To bitch somewhere I know people aren't gonna see. Ha... I say that as if I'm ashamed of what I'm saying. As if I wouldn't say it aloud and just haven't yet.

My mind is void... of everything. Of intelligent thought especially. Of whatever I used to be that made me the All-knowing GiaNT CoCK. Of whatever I used to be that made me the Angry Black Woman. Of whatever I used to be that I actually liked about myself. I swear, 2005 turned me into a far lazier, pathetic little chunky bitch. It's kinda amazing, if you think about it.

At least, that's how I see myself now.

You'd think I'd be proud of me. I am going to college. I'm gonna be somebody someday.

But today, I ain't nobody but a fat lazy bitch and I'm gettin' fatter, lazier, and bitchier by the second.

I'm never quite sure what my point is when I rant and rave and pick myself apart like this. Can never quite settle on a mood. Not even sure I am in a mood one can describe with words.

But I don't really give a fuck. Let me just get this shit out and over with and maybe I can fall into a deep sleep. Sleep most of tomorrow away, if possible.

Then wake up to someone obnoxiously telling me to get my fat lazy ass up.

As if she don't do the same thing with her time.


I think if I could write, I'd feel much better about all this idle time. Or if I could spend some time with my friends just doing what we used to do: driving around aimlessly or simply hanging out without being bored, maybe I'd be ok. Maybe I'd be able to put this whining on the back burner like I usually do. Put it back there with all my other ignored problems.

I don't know.

I just don't know.

Don't know which way is up right now. Don't know black from white. Almost wanna do everything I've always said I wouldn't cuz I'm sick of being treated like... a sickly little stepchild. Like I'm handicapped cuz I don't smoke or drink. I'm so sick of new people staring at me like I got some sort of amazing disease or I did something real spectacular cuz I'm sober 24/7. So sick of the way people say, "She's the good one of the group" cuz it just sets me further apart from everyone and everything.

I can't explain it. It just changes how everyone reacts to me all of a sudden. Prolly in a way I can only see.

Prolly in a way I'm making up.

...my paranoid ass. Always so convinced people are plottin'...

Aww fuck... watch me be back same time tomorrow, talking bout the same shit. I ran outta steam for now.

Watch some muthafucka read this and be calling me later, asking me to explain these dumb ass feelings of mine.

But, just because I said that, someone won't.


I still can't get over Friday night. Running into Tara and Laura, and later Sasha and Jenny. Walking around downtown and discovering, as some nigga yelled out, that I have ass, and apparently enough of it to make him almost run out into traffic to holla at me.

Ok, so really I don't know if he was talking about me or Jamee, but it was quite clear that one of us had a nice ass.

We laughed about that for so long.

This snow today pissed me off. Very much so. Especially since I went all the way to school to watch a ding-dang movie. Oh, I hate snow.

What else have I been up to? Well, not too much. Just been hanging out with my mom a lot. Yep, my mom. She's staying with us and such. It's nice to know where she is, so much so that I have to keep tabs on her all the time. It's kinda weird for me to be so concerned about someone. I'm not even that concerned about myself.

Well, I think this could be the end, my friends. I felt like I had more to say, until I starting typing that is. Oh well I guess.

Enjoy the little post.

So... that night's plan didn't go as I had hoped. But I guess things are better now. Or at least, they will be soon. For some at least. I'm still left with a question mark when it comes to my living situation.

But whatever. I've had a pretty good two days, in spite of everything.

Just wish that Wednesday's plans weren't messed up the way that they were. But I guess it's all good, cuz it made her see things the way she should've a long time ago.

And I'm so glad I didn't give up, cuz she might've been in the gutter somewhere right now.

To think, I had the power to make someone turn their life around. I am who someone is living for.

"I need to get better for Jess," she says.

That's just... amazing.

Enough to make my outer shell crack a little.

But not enough to make those nasty tears escape.

In other, more random news, I got a cell phone finally. Getting addicted to text messaging already, thanks to Autumn and Jessyka, the few people that actually respond to them when I send them.

And uh... I guess that's all. Off to my Jamee's later for a night of... I don't know. As long as I'm out of this house, I'm straight.

So in love with my new Twista CD I am...

...Had A Bitch Head Gon' 10-19-05 15:15
Got that new Twista. Lovely tongue-twisting rapping delight.

Or something like that.

Twista could possibly be up there on my favorite rappers list. Along with Bone Thugs and the great 2pac as number 1. Oh how I never get tired of either one of them.

I have a secret rendezvous scheduled for after my nana disappears.

Ha! Sounds like I'ma have a booty call later tonight or something.

Nah, nothing like that. And if it was, the world would be coming to an end.

College is breaking my back. My book bag weighed like 100 pounds today, I swear. I've been able to carry it around every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday with no problem until today... felt like I was lugging around a bunch of bricks.

My eyes are playing tricks on me today. My vision keeps going in and out of focus.

I'm ready for a nap.

I spent my two days of break doing some strange, random things. Well, not strange. Just... different, I guess.

Monday I went in to my advising appointment so I know what to sign up for next semester. Then... Jamee picked me up, cuz I had stayed the night over there the night before. Then... uh... went to Amber's for an hour or two. Went back to Jamee's and slept for awhile. Then I went to this place on 35th street that I do my "service learning" at. Basically, it's volunteer work, helping kids with their homework, that kinda shit. It's alright I guess. Went back yesterday. I have to get 10-15 hours in for the scholarship. Interesting, eh?

Not really, but we'll pretend.

What else is there... I guess nothing. Just trying to get back in the swing of homework and things, since I spent the past four days doing whatever the fuck I feel like (excluding my volunteer hours). I think I shall check out some more things on the internet, wait for my phone call, and then be off to see the wizard.

Or someone like that.

See ya when I see ya.

Guess I haven't posted in awhile.

Well, I've had the past six days to myself. It was quite lovely. Nana went to Vegas to go house shopping; now she r coming back in about an hour or so.

It makes me sad. Is that fucked up of me?

I don't think so. It has been quite awhile since I've had a house to myself for an entire day. Never had it for six days. Been so nice doing things my way for a change, sleeping with the air on, taking care of my damn self.

Although technically, it was only four days. Spent the weekend at Jamee's. We went to haunted houses. I hate haunted houses, cuz I don't understand the point in paying money to get scared, but I was peer pressured into going and plus I had a little extra money, since my cousin refused to take the thirty dollars I tried to give him for his birthday. It wasn't that bad. We went to Scary Acres on Friday night, Haunted Hollow on Sunday night. Spent Saturday on the futon mattress that now sits on the floor in front Jamee's bed. It was a nice weekend.

What else is there.... Well, I talked to Autumn today. She came over for a bit; we exchanged random tid-bits and anecdotes. I don't see much of her these days; don't see much of anyone else, really. By some miracle Jamee had the weekend off. Otherwise, it r just me, sitting down in this basement, usually reading something for homework.

I'm getting sick of homework. Everytime I turn around I gotta read something, write a paper, all that bullshit. Gotta paper due Friday on a book I ain't nowhere near done completing. But it's all good, cuz I do my best work under pressure.

So I've been thinking: it's October, I should be getting a better plan on my living situation next semester, or whenever my nana's house sells. So I started by applying at Finish Line at the Crossroads. Figured it would be quite conveinant, since I'm there pretty much everyday (and if not, it's only a bus ride away), and being around shoes would be damn near orgasmic for me. So if that works out, I'll go on from there. Maybe my mom really will have her shit together by then and maybe I'll think it's a good idea to start over with her and maybe no one will object to it (no one being my dad, my nana, etc.) and maybe I can begin to feel like I have a permanent home again instead of some temporary in-between kinda shelter.

I've been living here off and on for a fuckin' year. A whole fuckin' year. That is just sickening.

Rico got out. That ain't fair.

But, if my mom ain't where she needs to be... I don't really know what I'ma do. I guess I could try that dorm thing again, but I know that's damn near impossible. There's prolly a waiting list a million miles long.

I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get it.

I think I shall find something else to occupy my time. Since I'm putting homework off, I figure I might as well do something interesting.

I'll go write some more of my "book." Or whatever you wanna call it. A random part of something I hope will eventually become a novel is a more accurate description.

Anyway, see ya when I see ya.

So last night I hung out with Autumn and Jessyka. That was a nice change. Hadn't seen Jessyka in awhile, so it was nice to catch up.

Twas introduced to puppy chow last night too. That was tasty stuff. Seriously, whoever came up with that was a genious.

Um... let's see... what else is there? Not too much. School was boring as usual, and I have a headache from hell, but Autumn came and picked me up, saving me bus money.

And uh... I guess that's it. Wow, I thought I had more to talk about. Well, I guess I do. If I felt like bringing that part of my life to public attention.

But I don't, so I guess I'm done.

See ya when I see ya.

"Love you for Life" is my song of the day, ladies and gentlemen, niggas and bitches. It followed me everywhere today, which was strange, cuz it's a ten year old song.

Today was just strange in general.

Wanna know why today was strange? Cuz it was a good day. It was a good day for no specific reason at all except that it was. I can't even remember the last time I've been in a good mood for no apparent reason. It's quite crazy. Quite crazy indeed.

I'm trying to hold on to this feeling for as long as I can, but I kinda feel like it's gonna get messed up. I keep pushing that thought outta my head, but it never quite goes away.

I'm weird. Today's weird. Everything's just fucking weird and I love it.

I've been in such a funk for awhile. It was sorta like the Zoloft commercial, where the little ball thing "loses interest in things it once loved." That was strange in itself, and this complete turn around is just as strange.

Maybe I'm bipolar. That would make a lot of sense. I do sometimes have illusions of granduer, crazy-insane explosions of anger for no reason, and then occasional bouts of sadness that seem to come from nowhere.

Or maybe I just have an urge to give myself a label.

But whatever. I feel good right now and I intend to hold onto that for as long as I can. Mania or no mania, it's good to be... great, even if there ain't a reason.

You ever been walking and you hear this "whoosh whoosh" sound, and you start lookin' around trying to figure out what it is, then you realize it's just your thighs rubbing together?

Maybe that's just a fat people issue.

Anyway, I hate taking the bus when it's hot outside. It's very annoying to stand outside in the sun waiting on a goddamn bus. I really hate taking it in the winter time though, especially when it snows. I hate walking into snow cuz it's all packed up on the sidewalk. And then walking on ice trying to get off the bus and walk down to the house. Ice is not a lummox's friend. I'm clumsy enough already.

It's kinda funny though, cuz I don't think I've ever fallen on the ice. I've come quite close, though. I've fallen face first in the snow trying to step off the bus. That wasn't cool. And Rico just left me there.

Every time I fall, whoever's with me just looks behind them and keeps on walking. Ain't that a bitch?

Fell in the middle of the street one time while I was walking down to Cameron's house, and he just stood there and looked at me. Dustin's mom, who was sitting on the porch, had to yell at him to help me up, otherwise he prolly would've just left me there too.

Fell down the stairs at North trying to go to gym one day. Cedric just looked behind him and kept on walking. Bitch ass. And the security guard just stared at me like I was retarded, so I told him, "Yes, I'm ok. Thanks for asking."

People these days, I swear.

I really wish "Golddigger" didn't sound so strange on my computer. It's got like... sirens and shit in the background. Makes me sad.

"Gotta Find a Way" was what I listenend to on the bus. And I really do gotta find a way to make some cash.

But I'm not. Right now, I'm too concerned with studying for this damn test in Anthropology so's I can bring my grade up. It ain't like me to be failing anything, so you can imagine how this is bothering me.

Oh, I hate college. Have I said that enough yet? I don't think I have.

Either way, I'm gonna say it quite a few more times.

My nose is runny. Why???

I wanna go to sleep.

Goddamn school.

Education Can Kiss My Ass 09-19-05 17:21
Well I'm kinda pissed. Looks like I'm failing Anthropolgy. That's bullshit. I guess I better do damn good on the test Thursday.

Fuck, that pisses me off.

I guess that's what I get for letting the other people in my group write our essay.

Other than finding that out, I guess school was alright. Same as always. Turned in an essay and that memoir thing. Not much else to say.

I saw Raydell at the mall. That was kinda entertaining. I'm surprised I haven't run into him more often.

Aww fuck... I think I might start to tackle those eight chapters I need to have read by Thursday.

Goddamn I hate college.

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